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Character Profile: Cooloser of Remang


Dec 21 2004, 03:35 AM (Post #1)
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Full Character Name: Cooloser of Remang
Character Nickname: Cooloser
Age / Date of Birth: 16/ April 22
Class / Job: fighter/ Mercenary, Assassin, He fights for rebels and underground movements as long as the pay is good and the ideals support his own.
Gender: Male
Relatives: Father, Decimare of Remang also known as the Wolf Master because he trains people in the wolf style of martial arts. Mother, Deceased killed by a demon named Azazel.
Height / Weight: 6'1" / 180 lbs
Other Physical Attributes / Appearances: He is somewhat tall and built. His blonde hair covers his ears and is messy, his eyes are a green. His face is solemn and he rarely smiles. He wears black clothing most of the time. He appears human, until the night of a full moon, on which he transforms into a werewolf. In this form he has bluish hair. His muscles bulge and his power increases dramatically. His ears grow pointy too.

Mental Attributes / Personality: He is extremely angry. He feels that many of the bad things that have happened to him are his fault. He does everything for personal gain, which is why he works as a mercenary. When he is in his werewolf form he is quite evil. He won't hesitate to kill those who mess with him and he is not afraid of those stronger then him. Also, he is very loyal to his friends and will sacrifice anything for those he cares about.

Background / History: Cooloser was born a werewolf and has always embraced his heritage. As a child he looked up to his father, the Wolf Master. At the age of 6 he began his training as a fighter under his fathers watch. He is somewhat resentful for this loss of his childhood, because he was forced into training every day instead of socializing with his peers. When he was 13 his father was attacked by a demon, Azazel, during the fight the demon killed his mother, while Cooloser stood watching unable to help his father or mother. This is what created the violent and angry person he is now. Later his father made him leave home to train. He can't return until he feels he is ready to endure his father's true training. On his voyages, he has met many people, and fought many battles. Although these fights allow him to release some repressed emotions, they have also shown him how weak he really is.

On one journey he met a boy about his age, named Keeserat. Cooloser was in the crowd, watching a sparring match. Keese was fighting someone. He watched Keese systematically destroy his opponent. Keese would calmly dodge his enemy's attack and strike the pressure points on their bodies. After the match Cooloser approached the boy. He could instantly tell from smell that the boy was also a lycan. He asked Keese to help him train. Keese replied, "Why should I?" Cooloser nodded and then rushed Keese directing a swift kick towards his face. Keese dodged and laughed, "Exactly it would be a waste of time." Cooloser nodded, "I see." Cooloser left, but he didn't plan on giving up this opportunity. Later, during full moon, he returned to find Keese. Strangely Keese wasn't transformed, so Cooloser approached as a werewolf. "Train me!" he yelled to Keeserat. Keeserat was surprised he forgot about the boy. Keese pulled out a knife, "Lets fight wolf boy." Cooloser jumped on Keese, who plunged his knife deep into Cooloser's chest. They rolled over and Cooloser pinned down his opponent. The knife fell out and his wound starts to heal. Cooloser started to attack trying to bite Keese's face. Keese out of anger began to transform. Half-way into the transformation he uses his rat tail to grab Cooloser by the neck and keep him from biting his face. As his transformation completes, Keeserat's strength increases and he managed to get Cooloser off of him. They both stand facing each other, both out of breath. "Why do you need me to train you?" Keeserat asked. "Because... I must get stronger to return to my father," Cooloser responded. Keese stated, "We are two different types of fighters. I couldn't help you in any way." Cooloser sighed agreeing, "Lets go get a drink..." To sum it up, they got a drink...

Equipment / Clothing: He wears mostly black, because black hides him well at night. He can sneak around to get things and go places. He usually wears a gi with an undershirt along with loose cloth pants tied with a belt. He also carries a Zanbato, a ridiculously oversized sword that requires the strength of a werewolf to be used efficiently.

Other Information: Cooloser's best friend is Keeserat, a sneaky wererat, with a swarm of rats that follow him. He also has a necklace, The Seal of Enlightening, it enhances his emotions.

This post has been edited by cooloser: Jan 2 2006, 08:38 PM
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Dec 20 2005, 01:09 AM (Post #2)
Not Odd anymore
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Posts: 45,875
Cash: 1,915,578 / 1,817,041,051
Group: Administrator
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A couple things before I grade it:

1. please bold the criteria so that it follows the standard format. This is required before I grade it.
2. please avoid the colloquialism such as "kinda", etc. Also watch out for your grammar, spelling, and correct any typos you see. If you don't avoid this, it will (1) make you look unprofessional and (2) cost you many points.
3. Background can be a little more complete.

Just want you to pass on the first try ssmile.gif
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Dec 24 2005, 08:52 AM (Post #3)
Bottom of the food chain
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Posts: 7,483
Cash: 7,052 / 414,824
Group: Cabinet Member
Joined: 8/02/03 10:40 PM
Holistic Grades:
Length: (8 points)
English Syntax: (3 points)
Creativity: (1 points)
Total / Final Grade: (72 points)

Profile Content:
Full Character Name (s): (3 Points)
Character Nickname (s): (2 Points)
Age / Date of Birth [If Known]: (3 Points)
Class / Job: (2 Points)
Gender: (2 Points)
Relatives: (3 Points)
Height / Weight: (2 Points)
Other Physical Qualities / Appearances: (14 Points)
Mental Qualities / Personality: (11 Points)
Background / History: (10 Points)
Equipment / Clothing: (6 Points)
Other Information: (+2)

You have a bit of fixing up to do. First of all, get heavy on that spell-check. I saw quite a bit of English errors in there, just by browsing over it. Your date of birth is a bit sketchy- we don't really need your real-life birthday. As for your job/class deal, it was very vague and didn't tell us one bit what your character does for a living or what he specializes in. Father, the Wolf Master is a bit...iffy as well. Nobody names their child Father or Wolf Master; so a real name would be nice. What about the rest of his family? Mother? Siblings? Those are relatives too- deceased or not. Your physical description could use a touch-up, and your mental description needs a big revamping. Your HISTORY is pretty...bad, and you might want to elaborate on things such as where your character came from, where he is now, what he does for a living, etc. Describe who your character is, and what he does. Your equipment reminds me a lot of Inuyasha- something that isn't creative it all. Your father is Father Wolf, and you have a mystic sword you don't know the full potential of? That spells Inuyasha. I did like the Seal of Enlightening, thought- and describing who your characters hangs with deserved a +2 bonus overall. Just work on the things I described, and you'll pass.
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Dec 25 2005, 04:56 PM (Post #4)
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is that better? I know it still lacks some creativity, i just don't have time right now, i'll get back to it tomorrow.
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Dec 25 2005, 09:59 PM (Post #5)
Bottom of the food chain
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Posts: 7,483
Cash: 7,052 / 414,824
Group: Cabinet Member
Joined: 8/02/03 10:40 PM
Please edit your first post if you want me to grade it.
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Dec 29 2005, 01:09 AM (Post #6)
Masked Insanity
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Posts: 11,179
Cash: 76,637 / 1,231,613
Group: Representative
Joined: 10/16/02 07:09 PM
Holistic Grades:
Length: 8/10 points
English Syntax: 2/5 points
Creativity: 3/5 points

Profile Content:
Full Character Name (s): 3/3 Points
Character Nickname (s): 2/2 Points
Age / Date of Birth [If Known]: 3/3 Points
Class / Job: 3/3 Points
Gender: 2/2 Points
Relatives: 5/5 Points
Height / Weight: 2/2 Points
Other Physical Qualities / Appearances: 13/15 Points
Mental Qualities / Personality: 12/15 Points
Background / History: 12/20 Points
Equipment / Clothing: 8/10 Points
Other Information: +1/0

Total / Final Grade: 79/100 points
-Extend the history and correct the grammar. That will get you up to a passing grade. You're 6 points away from passing (85/100).
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Dec 29 2005, 06:39 AM (Post #7)
Not Odd anymore
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Of course they're just suggestions - We don't want you to just pass - we want you to do as well as you can.
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Jan 2 2006, 06:19 PM (Post #8)
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Alright, i think i fixed some of the stuff, check it out please.
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Jan 2 2006, 08:02 PM (Post #9)
Member Of The Year 2005
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Wow, what an old topic. Nice bio btw, an original spin on an old race (Werewolves). The only thing I would change is "Half-way into the transformation he uses his transformation he uses his rat tail to grab" that obviously needs editted, and also I'd add in a little bit at the end of the history, something like "They became buddies ever since that day." or "Keese eventually warmed to Cooloser and agreed to train him". Just one line to sum it up, and show us where you are now.
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Jan 6 2006, 11:12 PM (Post #10)
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fixed. I thinks its okays but... who am i to say so...
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Jan 6 2006, 11:39 PM (Post #11)
Masked Insanity
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2 points back on grammar....but only 3 back on the history, >_o. You're lucky I'm nice...I'll tack on another point for equipment. stongue.gif

That makes and 85/100. Exactly passing. You'll still need another passing grade to get your license.
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Jan 7 2006, 12:31 AM (Post #12)
Member Of The Year 2005
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Heh heh, 'to sum it up, they got a drink' ssmile.gif not exactly what I was thinking of, but it will do I suppose sbiggrin.gif
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Jan 7 2006, 02:11 AM (Post #13)
Not Odd anymore
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Yah, the problem with the history is that it's supposed to be a HISTORY, not a RP.
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Jan 7 2006, 02:57 PM (Post #14)
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My entire history was an RP, and you guys let that slide. IMHO
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Jan 8 2006, 06:54 AM (Post #15)
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Well, that was what cost you the most points, wasn't it?
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